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Are you sure you want to restore your government to its factory settings?

I was drinking gin late into the evening yesterday trying to forget about the stupidity of US politics in 2019. Apparently I can’t watch Ellen’s new housewife-hollering Game of Games show without being reminded of the egotistical political dam we can't seem to breach. I mean shit, this country has laboring women popping out roughly 11,000 humans every day yet we can’t fucking come together and hurricane our way through this split government levee?

Here's how it started:

*Cue NBC’s melodramatic horns signaling that Ellen is about to be Kanyed  by our GRRREAT (Tony the Tiger voice) president.

Ellen fades and I see Shlonald Hump, better known as Donald Trump, seated in the Egg-Shaped Office. I feel his Voldemort squint. His gaze seems to penetrate my soul, but I know he's only adjusting his vision for the teleprompter. I remember thinking “Which spell will he cast first?” Luckily, there were no spells fired. Instead he read his presidential address mainly focusing on the national security budget.


*Speech over back to Ellen or whatever NBC deems important. I Turn off TV grab a beautiful bottle of Tanqueray.

Now, it wasn’t the overall goal that obliterated my serenity. Afterall, hump does make some valid points. What irritated me was the continuation of political separatism. Now that... makes me thirsty for some gin. This isn’t just from Hump though! There's Fancy Pillowski and several others getting their jabs in! These aren’t attempts for an edified solution. It was more like watching that Yo Mamma game show from 2016 with my homeboy Wilmer Valderrama. Maybe that's why so many people are interested now. We love competition, especially mixed in with some reality tv chaos! It's a goddamn media and meme goldmine. Trump is to twitter basically as Jesus is to Catholics.  

Let's be honest, when it comes to national security the majority of both parties agree that we need to strengthen our borders and prevent undocumented / illegal / migrant / greenhorn / extraterrestrial / pterodactyl citizens from entering the country. I assume that's why there is a law for it! The real problem lies within how we carry out this protection.

As proposed by the Hump Administration here are some $5.76 billion Ideas: A wall (steel structure), advanced monitoring technologies, more border patrol officers, more severe punishments for perpetrators,and more refugee infrastructure.

All of those ideas seem valid, but when your $21.6 trillion in debt it’s typically more responsible to ease up on some of your spending habits. I’d hope that most of us know, in general, it’s cheaper to demolish than construct.

Here's how I’d do it:

I would hop on a massive wrecking ball like Miley fucking Cyrus and annihilate every US political party. Obvious the Democrats and Republicans would be the biggest messes too clean up, but imagine what a fresh perspective it would provide us with when the dust cleared. A mental clarity that would allow us to think better for ourselves. TV networks that form discussions rather than operate on an agenda.   

I feel an arising issue amongst americans that resides in our unconscious biases. With politics (much like religion), we are molded by our surroundings. Our family, friends, geographical location, life events, and even small genetic mutations construct each of our perspectives. Some of these things happen unwillingly. You may be able to choose what you want to eat for lunch, but you don’t have a say in being raised by democratic, republican, prejudice, or radical parents.

For the brainwashed, political decisions are marked by a letter next to any given candidate. I encourage those zombies to wake up… to ask themselves questions. Zombies, aren’t your ideas important? Don’t you want to listen to and research the candidates... to see which one is most compatible with you despite the political party mark they associate with?     

Before you let your unconscious bias hijak your ballot, ask yourself: Would you let them choose the music you listen to... for the next four years?

Article by: Galvin Gustavson

Galvin is a 32 year old independent alcoholic political activist who records his heated rants typically while showering. His daughter, Alis, restructures them for publication. Galvin and Alis have published over 200 articles on his account (@GGPoliC).

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