Updated: Mar 11, 2019
When the sickness started, I was Hazel Grace and she was Augustus Waters. Despite our metaphorical gender switches, we both embodied many personality traits of these beautiful characters (thanks forever John). I was the depressed nihilist always challenging the innocent norms. She saw life with a sense of positivity and comprehensive comfort. Naturally we fell in love, not like in the book / movie, but a non-fictional love. A real life head over heels love. Our early affection had us bound together; typically kissing, laughing, and rolling under blankets for small moments of infinity. Now if you’re familiar with the book or movie, we learn that “some infinities are greater than others.”
Spoiler alert, this love didn’t suffer the tragic death of Augustus Waters. She is alive and hopefully well, but metaphorically speaking our relationship did come to a tragic end. At least in my retrospective story. I will always wish that our infinity was bigger than it was. I wish we could have said more “okays” to each other and better embraced the immense compassion both characters lived by.
There are a lot of regretful faults within me. Most of which, I didn't know of until very recently, but I am not attempting to live a life without regrets. Instead, I see these bitter nostalgias as natural parts of my life. Yes, the heartbreak and anguish took me apart. I shattered, but in this deconstruction came a chance to rebuild. I am lucky enough to lighten my grievances each day, process my inner workings, seek treatment, and reconstruct. With a little luck, I plan to rebuild a much better version of myself, to slowly progress from my imperial afflicted past, and combine the best qualities of both characters (of course, along with my innate quirks).